When the fog lifted - my moment of clarity and action, chasing a roadrunner

I have mentioned both Anthony Bourdain and Cheslie Kryst in earlier pieces. Two tragedies, magical people lost because they could not escape their demons, could not swim out of the undertow. Two screaming examples that we all need to wake up and get in the game to keep others from going to sleep forever. You know, those 5 people in the United States that succumb to the same fate every hour of every day of every week of every month and year. That is my primary purpose, awareness and informing action. And I hope that telling my own story of mental health struggle and learning, growth shows you just how serious the issue is, and what it takes to change as I work through my painful background and then a recovery process. Ok, I think its time to dive into this a lot more.

So more about me, who am I, how did this all begin, and the most important question in the universe as former Miss USA Cheslie Kryst so frankly and profoundly put it – Why? As most stories go, do we have a beginning, middle and end, who is the villain, the hero, where will this tale take us, take me, hopefully take you also? I doubt what is happening to me is a standard story or flow at all. I can’t even lie to the keyboard and screen here with a straight-face and say I envision such a systematic, mechanical, structured approach to just about anything, not even in my best state. Looking back, seeing the windy path and jumps here and there, anything but a knotted up, zig-zag through the morning fog seems more far-fetched than how I got here in this moment in the first place.

Conversely, one aspect of it all, in the moment when it all made sense for the first time and subsequent weeks, everything became abundantly clear. So gorgeously, crystal clear like the turquoise blue water of the Caribbean sea where you can see down 30 feet to the bottom, all the little fisheys swimming around with vibrant colors and sparkle, better than at the national aquarium clear. So clear that you can see the sun reflect off their scales in the water when the light hits them just right. And not just a moment of clarity, more importantly is that I moved counter to my traditional lack of execution-bones and this time I did something with that moment and gift. But I’m not sure why, or not sure yet. So there I was, here I am, in a moment where I couldn’t resist any longer. I felt like a fish, tangled in a gill net in the Chesapeake Bay, still alive but gasping for oxygen. And unlike most fish, where their fate is sealed in the form of shrink wrap, gutted and filleted in a nearby processing plant on the shore, this fish escapes, swims away in a quick burst back down to the depths. I must go deep down inside to understand myself and my history, and then pull it all out and kill it to begin living. In the end you just have to be thankful for the force that took over.

Still half asleep, you push down the foggy path, the morning awakens into day, the temperature rises, the light increases ever so slowly as you continue moving on the trail, another hike through the Santa Monica mountains and then like magic - the fog lifts just a bit and you feel warmth and hope. Up until now, I have always been chasing the entropy in my head, running from disorder only to find greater destruction, like a roadrunner in the desert chasing after and feeding off some of the most unappetizing snacks imaginable – scorpions, black widows and rattlesnakes. Wondering if I was trying to nourish or poison myself all those years. The stupid roadrunner, expending so much unnecessary energy running instead of using his wings to fly.

And part of the journey and moment is not for you, it’s for someone close to you, for many who love you. That is why you are still here and the reason why you will rise. An important reflection is that I was able to realize this, granted it was through a movie, but that’s not the point. Had I remained closed off, prepped for an eternity of solitude and self-inflicted suffering, acting on and driven by misguided and delusional thoughts only of my own, I would have continued my downward spiral. Instead, watching Roadrunner, the documentary about the life and tragic, cruel end of Anthony Bourdain, on my way to Paso Robles, CA, I began to think differently and opened up my system boundary. A beautiful, tiny fissure which quickly became a total collapse of the walls I had built up over the last 30 years.

Here I was, a runner, escape artist, a magician in a mask, a troubled chaser watching a Roadrunner, learning a lesson and seeing myself also in a close friend of Anthony Bourdain who appears in the movie, artist David Choe. The way David Choe spoke about his friend’s life and death, his perspective told me to look into him more, and when I did I was frightened, shaking with how I had found a long lost brother, or a twin in a way. For we have gone through many of the exact struggles, have had many highs and lows, and each lost a dear friend. Each nearly lost our grip on life. A couple lights turned on for me inside. On the plane, I was sobbing uncontrollably like a little baby just out of the womb. This has happened to me once or twice before I have to say, and we will talk about that more when we get to my grandmother or Nanny. Bourdain’s story is tragic, another one we have to say, and an angle of that tragedy that particularly hurts is the feeling of regret in a story of regrets. We lost him, also lost the moment to act from what his death opened our eyes to for just a split second. A missed opportunity, whether we are all distracted by COVID or politics or whatever, I have no idea, but I feel his death and many others who have left us should and MUST result in shining a much brighter light on the issue of mental health. And not just ‘another issue’ but a very significant one.

I often go back to this quote from a really smart guy from General Electric who my wife worked with on a project a few years back, Doug Dietz “Why wonder when you can know?” Not complex mathematics or rocket science and just as profound as "Why?" Profound because it's so easy to extrapolate based on perceptions or what you think you know, how you interpret what you see - about yourself, about others, signals from others. Easy to listen to the press clippings or the external voices of zero wisdom and substance vs. truly look inside, in the mirror and ask Why, ask How, ask What it really means and How you really feel. And even more difficult to share that true self with someone else who can help you out of the water. Let someone else know where you are at, what you are thinking and how you are feeling. And more importantly, be attentive and engaging with those around you – find out how they are doing, pull someone else out of the water, get to it directly and don’t build off of assumptions or projections that can get anyone painfully lost. You have a compass, use it no matter how confident you are. The tools of true learning, growth and fulfillment are all around you, there for you, and will be shared by you for the benefit of others.