Understanding the entropy inside my head - my mental health journey from the beginning

This is the story of who I am, finally stopping to investigate me in order to know if there was any chance for correction and hope, when I was close to the end, but had a moment of clarity. This clarity saved my life, and I am so thankful for that moment about a month ago. I finally processed the message and took the first step in a new direction. Then, I moved forward with the affirmative answer from which to grow and change. I hope my story helps you, inspires you to act on yourself or someone close to you, with whom you are likely fully unaware of their troubles. This is a story of my 30 year functional struggle with addiction, depression and compulsion, my dark secrets alone. One of the keys that held me back for so long was not willing to stop and ask why, open myself up to learning why, then taking that understanding to ask others for help. Entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, that disorder is an ever-increasing and unstoppable force of nature, was inside my head and there was no hope to defeat that force. Entropy as a mental concept is something we will discuss much deeper, and I believe that concept is the key to opening yourself up and taking steps towards healing, growth.

My story comes with the full understanding and acceptance that I am a very very fortunate person, fortunate mistake, fortunate mistakes, that all real or perceived struggle was brought on fully by me in the face of countless resources and forces trying to lead me in a much different, productive and healthy direction. There is no logic to it all, but that is part of the story as well. You can easily get mixed up, very mixed up, and that can teach us all an important lesson, how powerful the mind can be, for better or for worse, and just how dangerous that fact is. I am finally unraveling the knots I have tied of my life. And what you see, is often far from the internal reality, and not in a good way.

I must start this with why would, should you read this, why did I write this – this question and answering it for you up front is telling about me and how my mind works. I hope it also enables you to quickly make an informed decision, because time and attention are precious. For me, if I don’t understand the why behind an action, a thought, direction, rule, law of the world, thing, whatever it is; then I won’t believe in it or respect it. And belief is another precious commodity. Not believing in or respecting whatever that thing is, that’s at a minimum, in many cases I will turn against it and work to destroy it, prove the theory wrong, sometimes just because, or other times to prove the flaw, make a point. And I am still trying to understand why that is. Asking why – so important. In mathematical terms, postulates don’t work for me, the theorem must be proven fact or null and voided. Whatever the thing, without the why and context, the true understanding, then I think it’s another stupid rule, a scam or ruse, and naturally I will rebel against it. There’s a great quote, which comes from someone who we will talk about much more, Cheslie Kryst - Miss USA 2019 (1991-2022), “I discovered that the world’s most important question, especially when asked repeatedly and answered frankly, is: Why?” Of course we want to know why she would commit suicide, how that could happen. How that tragedy could be reality. We will never have that why answered, but just maybe this story helps us all to avoid other unanswered whys in the future.