For Whom the Bell Toles: Andrew Toles Mental Health; LA Dodgers win the mental health World Series
- Josh Jones
- Apr 4, 2022
- 14 min read
I love sports but baseball was always my least favorite - but today I am a fan bleeding Dodger blue and celebrating their latest signing. I will cheer the Dodgers and Andrew Toles!
The sports world is a dangerous industry in so many ways. Countless aspiring professionals who don’t make it, the mental and physical scars of those who do make it, the pressure of perfection, the agony of defeat is something shared in mental health and sports. The sports psyche so fragile on the inside yet the physique and bravado makes you think its totally the opposite. Again, inside and outside don’t match. We are all weak and need help.
Yet we see a lot of progress in the mental health arena through sports, granted it comes from the tremendous tragedies we see of athletes who have failed outside the lines or solely sold as a way to find an edge. Regardless, we are seeing change in many places that give us hope that mental health will be one day properly recognized and given its due.
I saw this story the other day and it gave me so many mixed feelings, but in the end it’s a step in the right direction and something that should be more celebrated as an example of what we can do to help. With the positive angle on this story comes an overarching negative – that we all can be affected by mental health and things can change for anyone in the time a pitch reaches the plate and you swing and miss.
Just as the season starts, another one filled with hope for all major league ball clubs, filled with last minute roster cuts, opening day line-up jiggering, etc. Here is a signing that may have gone a bit under the radar and while it won’t help the Los Angeles Dodgers win a single game, they are winning a more important championship with this move. On Tuesday last week, the Dodgers re-signed Andrew Toles.
Toles signing didn’t make Sportscenter, but it caught the attention of many news outlets - and I truly hope that many more of us will see this great story. You may be thinking, ok Toles is a 29-year old who last played in the majors in 2018. Are we talking about a comeback? When Toles didn’t report to the Dodgers for spring training in 2019, the company line was that he was dealing with a personal matter and would be out indefinitely. Has he conquered his demons? Toles [did report to camp later in the spring of 2019 but never played another game.] Are the Dodgers spending wildly again, trying to buy a championship. Well they are buying something much more valuable than a championship for Andrew Toles.
Then, other reactions - why are they signing this bum is a likely terse response from the everyday fan. Well here is where the story is inspiring and far greater than hits and catches. The Dodgers didn’t sign Toles so that he can contribute on the field.
Lets back up a bit around Toles career and history before we talk more about this gigantic signing.
Alvin Andrew Toles was born on May 24, 1992 and played at the University of Tennessee and Chipola College before being selected in the third round of the 2012 major league draft. His father played college football at the University of Tennessee and then in the NFL with the New Orleans Saints. Alvin Andrew Toles grew up in Georgia and was a phenom like so many others before and after him. All the tools, a can't miss prospect. But before I dove into his stats and bio, I had a question about why he would play at Tennessee and then some never-heard of Chipola College? Well that is likely a part of the bigger, overall Toles story – after being selected to the all-Freshman team of the SEC conference in 2011, he was dismissed from the Volunteers team the following year. The only thing we really know about Toles dismissal was that he did not live up to a standard of accountability that every player on the team must be held to, so said his coach at the time. I wonder if Toles was struggling mentally with all the changes that come with going to college, all the pressure of being a big-time athlete just like so many others (like Stanford soccer star Katie Meyer who we unfortunately lost earlier this year, or the Ohio State Buckeye Harry Miller who recently retired from football due to mental health issues – he is a survivor that should be celebrated and another example of the pressures of being a top athlete). We can come back to the athletics ‘business’ and toll it takes on the hopeful youth later, my main point is the pressure and change at a critical age of late teenage years is something we can’t take lightly. In addition to having 5 strength coaches and 10 trainers, 4 nutritionists on the physical side of things, University sports programs need to invest heavily in therapists, psychologists, and mental health coaches to truly transform their programs and take their athletes in the right direction.
So back to Andrew Toles now, he was also suspended from the Chipola College team for breaking team rules. Many of us are thinking, just another punk right – some entitled, punk primadonna athlete who can’t do what he needs to do to reap the success of the talent, the privilege and opportunity in front of him. There may be something to that also in other cases, but we are finding that to be an obtuse judgement we make because its easy and simple more often than not. We would never want to think that these kids (yes when you are 18 or 19 years old you are still a kid) don’t have the fortitude, resources and support system around them that is needed to deliver maturity and success in life, not to mention taking a step in the major sports abyss. The challenges they face internally and socially has nothing to do with hitting homers on the diamond.
And it's easy to pile on based on what you see outwardly, when Toles was in the minor leagues he was called out by his manager for not ‘playing hard’, being late, making mental errors - suspended and later off another team before catching on again. Did anybody ask the most important question, Why?, why would he be struggling? And was anyone observing many signs of mental instability that Toles surely demonstrated - of course not. He was just entitled and lazy was the more likely diagnosis. Toles struggles had nothing to do with his genuine desire or that he wanted to loaf or be out of synch with his team. He couldn’t clarify or manage what was in his mind and that was impossible to juggle along with how to manage the complexity, heat and pressure of the bright lights of sport. While Toles eventually made it to the big show with the Los Angeles Dodgers, he didn’t last long and now we are finding out just why. Toles suffered from anxiety issues all along the way, couldn’t sleep and that likely caused those mental mistakes on the field. He probably showed up late sometimes because he was dead tired and finally had put his mind to rest at 4am. And eventually Toles issues were understood, so he spent time in a mental health treatment center in 2015. Toles erratic behavior and even threatening outbursts caused the team that drafted him (the Tampa Bay Rays) to eventually cut him.
From the Tampa Bay Rays of the big leagues, Toles ended up bagging groceries at Kroger in his home town in Georgia. Then the Dodgers came calling to take a flyer on a kid who had so much promise and was still young enough that he could be steered onto the right path and be a productive professional. Miraculously, Toles quickly flashed the talent that so many had seen in him, he hit .314 in 48 games in the minors the next year and was so successful that he was called up to the Dodgers for their playoff run, hitting .364 in 26 plate appearances. From there the story that we all think we know goes like the Kurt Warner story of the Los Angeles Rams – from bagging groceries to the Super Bowl and an MVP, a long career filled with success and inspiring so many others. The Kurt Warner story is a beautiful one but doesn’t happen more than once in a lifetime. In Toles case, without understanding, managing or solving his issues, success would surely be fleeting.
Toles was slated to be the starting center-fielder for the Dodgers in 2017, but then he was injured when he crashed into the outfield wall and tore his ACL. Toles rehabbed in LA and was on track to be the starting center-fielder again in 2019. Unfortunately Toles went AWOL in late 2018 and ended up in yet another mental health facility in mid-January 2019. He never really made it back from there in 2019, he disappeared from that mental health facility after two weeks and vanished from the major leagues. A bright star extinguished by mental health. Toles next surfaced in Phoenix after being admitted to a hospital from injuries suffered in a car crash. He was found walking aimlessly in the Arizona desert, dehydrated and disoriented, unaware of where he was. At this point in the desert, and after two weeks in the hospital, Toles was admitted again to another mental health center and formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.
At this time in 2019 the Dodgers, and perhaps the world, were not as open about mental health as today – the Dodgers kept Toles illness a secret and that’s where his absence from the team was labeled as due to ‘personal reasons’. Toles recovery in Arizona lasted all of six or seven weeks and he vanished again. I repeat myself, but for good reason: You never solve mental health, this is another important point – you learn how to understand and manage it, but you never win that game, you never get out of the bottom of the ninth inning when it comes to mental health.
Few if anyone other than Toles knows what happened between early 2019 and when police woke him up in Key West in June 2020. Toles, former major league Cinderella story wonder-kid was found sleeping behind the Key West airport in 2020, homeless and disoriented behind a FedEx outbuilding, and was arrested on trespassing charges. He was lost in so many ways, didn’t know where to go, how to quiet the entropy in his head, his mind disorder. Lucky for all of us, Toles didn't take his own life. Things got so tough for Andrew Toles that he was drifting through homeless shelters and hospitals for the better part of 2 years. You could find his baseball card at a local shop, an up-and-coming star centerfielder from the Dodgers just a few years earlier, now he was completely lost to all that knew him, homeless and off the map. And it’s not that Toles didn’t try to solve his issues, in all he attended over 20 mental health facilities but would only stay a week or two before leaving town and running. Running away from something he couldn’t escape. I know exactly how he must have felt, whether you are running to first base or trying to outrun a throw to the plate, this type of running from the madness in your mind is one where you will never be safe.
When Toles was arrested in Key West, his family hoped he would be confined to jail to provide time for them to get him help. Instead, Toles posted $500 bail from an anonymous source (so they say) and vanished again.
Last week Andrew Toles was signed by the Los Angeles Dodgers so that he can make a glorious comeback. Not a comeback on the baseball field, but a comeback in the most important game of all – his life. The Dodgers have the resources to give Toles every chance at success and healing, the signing gives Toles access to the mental health care and therapy he desperately needs. Not a week at a mental health In-And-Out joint. This will take months, perhaps years and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
This is the most important baseball signing of our generation if you ask me. I want more people to see that we can all take action to help one another when it comes to mental health. And not only can we, we must to have any chance. Sure us everyday Joe’s don’t have the ability to fund mental health treatment for others, but we can all be part of the solution. Many small actions can have huge impact and drive huge change.
We all have someone in our lives we want back, but don’t add to that list any longer - take a step up to the plate and get in the box to be a driving force in someone's life as they overcome a terrible struggle, or perhaps small signs that unattended could steal home.
Looking at information going back to the 2020 arrest, there’s telling details from Andrew Toles family:
“When the news came out, the response from the public was very different from the response from my family,’’ Morgan Toles, Andrew’s sister, told USA TODAY Sports. “When people saw my brother’s mug shot, it was like, 'Oh, my God! He’s been arrested.’
“You know what my family felt? Relief.
“It’s really crazy to say, but the mug shot, really, was the best thing ever.
“We didn’t know whether he was dead or alive.’’
More powerful quotes from the 2020 arrest story where Toles mental health struggles first caught the eye of the public:
“But the loved ones are the ones he runs from.
“How do you help somebody that doesn’t want to be helped?"
In the case of Alvin Andrew Toles, the real question is:
How do you help someone who doesn’t realize they need help?
“You cry every day, you pray every day,’’ says Alvin Toles, Andrew’s father, a former linebacker for the New Orleans Saints. “It’s a relief that you know he’s alive. And now there’s no need to hide anything. Everyone now knows he has a mental illness.
“Maybe this is how God meant for this to end. Now people know. People are reaching out and asking how to help.
“We just need to find him. We need to bring him home. But he keeps running. He’s in this state of paranoia. He’s running from people. He just keeps running like someone is after him.
“He really needs help before it’s too late.’’
There’s more, when the Dodgers were winning the World Series, Toles was struggling still, perhaps at his darkest. Andrew was in a mental health hospital at the time, and had no idea where he was, couldn’t watch TV because of the many voices he would hear, he had no idea about his brothers achieving their ultimate goal from a sports perspective. From an article last year that further displays the impact mental health has on others:
“He’s not really living, but just floating," Morgan Toles, Andrew’s sister, an assistant basketball coach at Florida State, tells USA TODAY Sports. “It’s almost zombie-like. I don’t know if he’ll ever get better. None of us do.
“But, at least, we’re not worrying whether he’s alive.’’
Alvin Toles (Andrew’s father) is a single father now, separated from his wife, with Toles’ mental illness fracturing the family, as he takes care of Andrew and 22-year-old daughter, Kasey.
“This has kind of torn my family apart, it’s worn on everybody,’’ Morgan Toles (Andrew’s sister) said. “I try not to think about it. It breaks my heart thinking about what my Dad is going through.
“He’ll call me and check in, and see what’s going on, and I’ll hear his voice crack. I’ve heard him cry more than I ever have in my life. He keeps saying, 'Everything will be OK,' and doesn’t want to burden me with anything, but I know he’s hurting.
“I worry about him, he’s carrying so much.’’
“He’s not really living, but just floating," Morgan Toles, Andrew’s sister, an assistant basketball coach at Florida State, tells USA TODAY Sports. “It’s almost zombie-like. I don’t know if he’ll ever get better. None of us do.
“But, at least, we’re not worrying whether he’s alive.’’
The man (Toles father) has been so distraught with worry, he sometimes cries himself to sleep, wanting so badly to make things right, but overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness.
“I just want him to have a chance in life,’’ Alvin Toles softly says. “That’s all. Just to be healthy, live a normal life. I’d do anything for my son and my kids, and I know their mother cares a great deal, too."
“It’s heartbreaking to see this happen," says Boyd (a family friend), diagnosed with bipolar when she was 17. “Mental illness is just now getting the attention of people now when it should have been a long time ago. I can’t imagine what Alvin is going through as a parent. He’s been a phenomenal father.
“The strength it takes to go through all of this, it’s a wonder he hasn’t had a breakdown, because when it’s your child, that’s a lot of heavy weight and stress.’’
“His name will pop up randomly in our clubhouse,’’ Dodgers manager Dave Roberts said. “He fit in with us so fondly and was so adored. It’s just sad to see what has transpired and knowing that a lot of it is out of his control.
“Man, I would love to see him. I’d love to put my arms around him. I miss him. I really miss him.’’
Mental health is not a singular battle, the impact on loved ones, family, friends is part of the overall suffering and weight of the issue. We need to field a full roster with endless talent and dedication, commitment to defeat this enemy.
I think about the Hemingway novel, For Whom the Bell Tolls, which many know as one of Hemingway’s greatest works. For Whom the Bell Tolls describes the brutality of the Spanish Civil War. I think we have a much more gruesome and brutal war on our hands in the form of mental health. If only we could develop an enduring lust for solving this crisis as the protagonist Robert Jordan found in a young Spanish woman Maria whose life had been shattered by execution and rape of her family due to war. Mental health does just the same things to all around the innocent victim who is suffering due to inexplicable circumstances at the hand of an unknown enemy. Just as mental health is shunned and shadowed today, Hemingway’s book suffered a similar fate, being declared non-mailable by the US Post Office and banned in other countries due to exposing ‘propaganda unfavorable to the state.’ To the extent that many booksellers in Turkey went on trial and were prosecuted, serving one to six months in prison, it feels like so many today who suffer from mental health are being unfairly confined by a stigma.
The title to Hemingway’s novel For Whom the Bell Tolls originated from the poet John Donne. Donne, going through his own tremendous suffering, wrote about meditations, prayers on health, pain and sickness. Also appropriate in the context of mental health:
No man is an Island, intire of it selfe; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
Mental health affects us all, directly or indirectly. The damage is inexplainable, targets the innocent and strikes unexpectedly. Many times we are not able to face this, but the Dodgers took a powerful step to face this battle. Go Dodgers!
This story of Andrew Toles endless escape and running reminds me of a great song, I always seem to connect back to the Avett Brothers, moving and scary. Whether it’s the weight of lies, the weight of shame, the weight of the disorder inside your head, you can’t outrun those things. You can never escape the entropy inside your head alone.
The Avett Brothers song The Weight of Lies (from their album Emotionalism 2007):
Disappear from your hometown Go and find the people that you know Show them all of your good parts Leave town when the bad ones start to show
Going with a woman A pretty girl that you never met Make sure she knows you love her well But don't make any other promises
The weight of lies will bring you down And follow you to every town 'cause Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there When you run make sure you run To something and not away from 'cause Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere
I once heard the worse thing a man can do is draw a hungry crowd Tell everyone his name in pride and confidence But leaving out his doubts I'm not sure I bought those words When I was young I knew most everything These words have never meant as much to anyone As they now mean to me
The weight of lies will bring you down And follow you to every town 'cause Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there When you run make sure you run To something and not away from 'cause Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down
The weight of lies will bring you down And follow you to every town 'cause Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there So when you run make sure you run To something and not away from 'cause Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere
The weight of lies will bring you down And follow you to every town 'cause Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there So when you run make sure you run To something and not away from 'cause Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down
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