Don't be fooled, learn the lessons your friends are teaching. Katie Meyer, Aaron, James & Shane

I was just reminded by metafacebook that its been 10 years this week since one of my best friends from high school passed away. My friend Aaron died from a drug overdose, I was not there, had not spoken to him in a few years and don’t know a lot of the details of that night. But I likely know just how things unfolded from so many other nights that we spent together. I know all I need to about that night he passed. I don’t need the exact details to understand the picture, we have a great way of penciling in details and coloring in blind spots from experience, more than we realize, which can be good and bad like most things. Literally and figuratively speaking. Aaron was 33 when he died on February 23, 2012. I looked at his obituary tonight and he still brings a smile to my face long after he’s been gone, ‘his contagious smile and charismatic personality’ and a picture of my brother right there in front of my face. I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t learn from him. I let both of us down. Again.

Any time I hear the word buddy, I will think of Aaron, for the rest of my life, I can hear his voice saying “Hey buddy?” as it was his way of seeing how you were doing. Aaron was always inquisitive when it came to knowing how you were feeling, wanting to bring out happiness and the best in his close friends and anyone he crossed paths with. He always wanted to add something positive to you and your day, he was very special in that way.

I then thought about another of my best friends from high school, James, another brother with a contagious smile and charismatic personality, who died when he was 38, just six years ago. James would have given you anything he had, never hesitating no matter who, what or the circumstance. Reading his obituary again, in a different state of mind than previously, much more attentive now, I see that its more than appropriate that much of my giving, kind and caring brother lives on as his organs were donated to give life to others. He delivered for others in so many ways, whether it was the smile he delivered any time he came into the room or the good food he delivered for so many years from Mama Rosa’s Italian Restaurant back in Hampton when we were in high school, including the delivery to our crew late night when his shift was done. He was always running a little late because he wasn’t just delivering food to random people, he was learning about their lives and spreading cheer for 15-20 minutes before anyone realized other than the restaurant wanting to get the next batch of deliveries out hot and fast. Any time I eat a piece of pizza or go play golf, I think of James, and I will do that for all of my life.

Just as with Aaron, with James I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t learn from him. I let both of us down. Again.

Then I thought about my good friend Shane, not a high school friend, but someone I became very close to in my mid-20s, who died at age 41 in 2014. Shane was very artistic and creative, also loved music, drawing, reading and writing as I do. So now I am three for three, I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t learn from Shane either. I let both of us down. Again.

Shane, James, and Aaron all lost their fight with addiction, substance abuse, depression, mental health I will call it more generally. Their loss can be characterized many different ways, but I know the struggle very well. You can’t separate all of these things as they are all linked tangled and are tragically the same, regardless of the details. For me that is the case, and for me, I need to change myself to honor them, to not let them down again, to not let others down, to pick myself up, to pick someone else up and to not let myself down again. I will see them all one day, but that day is not today, and I hope that day is not for quite some time. Which in itself is tremendous progress, we have to gauge things relatively, as for so long I was very close to joining them and wanted nothing more. Myself, just like all three of them, projecting something very different than what was inside – Always check on your happy friends. Sometimes we don’t want to see that even though someone is caring, outgoing, happy on the outside that they are in immense pain and suffering on the inside. These are three real examples just from my life so far. And I will not add a fourth to that list.

Shane, James, and Aaron - More signals for me along the tortuous path that is life, each spread out by a frequency of two years and a deafening amplitude during some of my darkest times. But I couldn’t pick up the message, I never listened, I never learned from any of them even though I know I should have when I look in the mirror with no bias. And that is my selfish view of myself and how I turned my back on the message they were giving me, just as I turned my back on helping them or being there for them. Those are real regrets, those are gaping holes in your heart and black holes in your mind and heart. Like a shotgun loaded with buckshot firing a direct hit, leaving many holes throughout your stomach and lungs. They are truly foundation regrets, the ones that hurt the most, the ones where you were not courageous, you didn’t take action. And you now can’t go back and change that ever. But only a fool trips over what’s behind him, right.

Well for some reason I am still here, and while I didn’t make a change earlier in my life, I am making a change now. And while I was not there for my brothers then, I hope telling my story now is a way I can make up for that with the hope that someone else will read and process, learn the lesson from my story and past. Maybe I can help someone else, that is a big reason why I do what I do each day in the present. I am not only speaking to those who suffer from mental health issues, substance abuse, depression or addiction issues; I am just importantly, or perhaps more importantly, speaking to the close friend or family of someone just like me or you. For its that friend, coworker, significant other or uncle, brother, teammate who are the most likely to see the signals and take action in the many forms of help that exist. The simplest ways include making others feel comfortable to talk about addiction and mental health issues, or provide support and love, encouragement, or take more forceful action and call for help, because many times a person will not break their cycle or be able to reach out on their own. Every case is different, some make very obvious calls out for help, others will never let you sniff any problem unless you have the most heightened senses. They will always be downwind of you, so much energy devoted to the mask and the charade. That is where creating the right environment and being attentive to change and patterns, very very small signals and leaning in, engaging can lead to a great inflection point for a person in need. Or even for yourself, you may be on the verge of a downward spiral but able to recognize that you are not alone, you are not doomed or damaged, and take the step out of that spiral to change and escape the powerful force of mental health darkness. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is the most remarkable sign of strength.

I look back at myself and there are many signs of deterioration if you look closely – and you do have to look closely because what you see on the outside is typically far from the truth within me. In many cases there is a clear inverse relationship between inside vs. outside – a mathematical conundrum that always adds up to zero. I have said it before and I will say it again that if you ask 100 people who I know, and I consider many more than 100 people casual friends at the least, they would say there is no way that I have any serious mental issue whatsoever, to the point that they would say it’s a joke and laugh it off like so many other mental health jokes that drive the stigma further from solutions and acceptance every day. I hate that reality about our society. Josh a compulsive, depressed, manic addict who has gone as far as attempting suicide, considered himself a hopeless mistake and curse, his life a downward spiral of mental illness for upwards of 25+ years – come on, that is beyond impossible. While the time has never been more positive for making progress on the mental health front, we are still light years from where we need to be (and could be with just a few simple changes and acknowledgement). I am still light years from where I can be, but I am working on it every day.

Mental health is a prevalent issue in our society, between 1 in 4 and 1 in 2 adults will suffer from mental health issues, and the severity and manifestation is highly variable. In many cases those who appear the strongest or best equipped are those in most need. And my issues, I can’t source them, I can’t figure them out, I cannot explain it other than to say that is the truth, my truth and I will not hide any longer. I am exhausted from hiding, tattered and torn up inside, from looking at each day as a way to escape from running in place. And not being able to explain it is more than 50% of understanding – these things don’t add up or make sense. In many cases of mental health there is zero logic involved and its dumbfounding time and again what happens to people. One thing that is for sure, the slope is very steep and you can go from being ok to on the verge of a life and death moment very quickly, with small perturbations to an unstable system having grave impact at the most inopportune times. And sometimes that is what happens in life, we can’t level-load issues and emotions, or layer it on evenly like coats of paint, even though we are able to put on such a good face so often. There is no such thing as a functioning addict, there is no such thing as a cured addict or mental health condition that is truly defeated, also realize that. Every day is another day, another chance to go either way. In my current addiction to healing, learning and changing, I am educating myself and learning that the beast can only be tamed, it cannot be slain. And you will never begin to tame the beast alone. And trying to find a direct root cause, that is also very challenging and complex, just as complex as the path to managing change and making progress. Many of us who are the sickest are the best at deception, wearing masks.

I spoke to another brother from high school today and I asked him a question that is part of my therapy. I said to Jason, “You know me better than anyone, if I had a brother it would be you. What would you tell my therapist about me – what is it either important background about who I am, or things I need to work on, need to fix about myself?”

His response is another point about the disconnect between inside and outside. He replied, “I’ve always enjoyed your company. I think you could work on all the things many of us can. I think you may anger or frustrate easier than others. Especially with perceived incompetence or definitely with blatant stupidity. But those fools deserve it sometimes. I don’t know for sure but sense you may be a perfectionist with some things. Even though an 80% on the assignment would suffice you may make yourself get a 100% for some purpose. You felt a need or perhaps desire to overachieve for some purpose?? IDK”

Or maybe Jason was being polite because its uncomfortable to talk about shortcomings and the issues we all have. Its so much easier not to face them, keep the stigma going. And there is much more to the perfectionist mindset and wanting to achieve perfection and be that perfect person, a mix of internal and external pressures. That can turn into dirty fuel. I have to process that more, but know its relevant in what I am about to say. For myself and in another sad case.

In addition to my three friends Shane, James and Aaron, there is a fourth that just surfaced. Not a brother, but a sister I never had. We lost another bright light in our world recently, and yes this is just one of the 5 we lose every hour of every day to suicide. This tragedy is another one that hits close to home for me, literally a few miles away. A tragedy that I can almost touch, another regret I have and another one which could have been prevented, perhaps I could have been the one to take action and change her course, but I didn’t – another foundational regret. Ok this sounds very foggy, but lets try to lift the fog with some sunlight and clarity here like the transition from morning to afternoon in the Santa Monica mountains that were also very close to home.

On March 1, 2022 Katie Meyer took her own life at the age of 22. She was found dead in her dorm room in Crothers Hall at Stanford University. As I am plugged in to mental health on social media I saw a flood of information about her life, the tragedy of her death and I was heartbroken. Another young person who appeared to have it all, so much to add to the world, so in control, but again we were all terribly wrong and mistaken. What was happening inside Katie Meyer’s mind was far different from the projection everyone else saw and believed. I almost moved on from this without further examination, knowing her loss was another tragic story, another beacon that would flash brightly on the mainsail of a sinking mental health ship in our society, and then we would all go back to our regular focus and attention, turning away as the beacon was consumed by the deep, dark ocean - the beacon of cautionary light extinguished again. But this time, I felt another deep pain from my mind, one I couldn’t explain, so I looked further. I scratched my head and said her name Katie Meyer a few times and something was there, but very fuzzy. I knew I would again be startled and frightened by diving deeper, but I knew I had to. And within moments, I was in tears, I was lost again, dizzy and heartbroken, overcome with another boatload of shame. Day after day, more of the same. (That is a great song by the Avett Brothers by the way).

I read a second article about Katie Meyer and it jogged my memory, like the shaking of a tree in a powerful windstorm. Leaves falling and branches breaking, thunder and lightning. I not only knew of Katie Meyer, I nearly knew her – but because of my weakness I never had that honor and opportunity to remove the word nearly from that sentence. I squandered the chance like so many others that I just spoke of. I first read about Katie Meyer in 2015,

Katie Meyer is another strong, bright light that gave no signs of struggle, externally was nothing short of perfection, inspiration and everything that is good about the world. And now she exposes yet again that inside there can be great struggle and darkness. She grew up in Newbury Park CA, where I lived from 2012 to 2019. Katie attended Newbury Park High School from 2014-2017 spent countless hours in the gymnasium and the fields excelling both as an athlete and student. So much so that she went to Stanford on a soccer scholarship, was on the national U16 soccer team. I lived in Newbury Park from 2012 to 2019 and I passed Newbury Park High School each day on my way to and from work, my 11 minute commute. I saw those piercing eyes of the black panther mural painted on the gymnasium just as she did day after day. I wonder how many times I passed by the soccer field that Katie was playing on, hundreds perhaps. Katie in addition to her soccer prowess, was also a placekicker for the Newbury Park High School varsity football team for two seasons. Soon after we moved to California, I remember telling my wife that I would go down to Newbury Park High and talk to the football coach about being a volunteer coach for the football team, the kicking coach, because I had a great mentor who helped me to be a great kicker in high school and I wanted to give back. I wanted to be a positive part of the community in my own way. I must have been having a good day then, but soon I crawled back in my head and nothing came of it, I never took any action, I never met Katie Meyer or had any chance to help her because of my own issues. I didn’t learn from my friends and address my person demons in the years before, and that prevented me from potentially saving someone else. I am not saying that would have happened or not, we don’t know for sure, we never will, but I was close enough to feel that now. Another opportunity squandered. For I may have been as attentive then as I am now, maybe I would have seen the signs in a kindred spirit. Maybe. But instead, I let myself down again, and I have nothing real to say about Katie other than what could have been and what a tragedy it is, what conclusions I can draw from the news.

You may have seen Katie Meyer, she led the Stanford soccer team to the national championship in 2019 making key saves throughout the season and in the penalty kick shootout that lifted the Cardinal over North Carolina in the NCAA final. She was the captain of the team, she willed her team to victory. Katie’s accomplishments span academics, athletics and community service, as well as being a tremendous rock for her countless friends. Katie studied international relations and history at Stanford, was twice named to the Pac-12 Conference’s Fall Honor Roll. Katie's friends, coaches and the Stanford community describe her as:

“Katie was an outstanding student-athlete and a beloved, passionate leader here at Stanford. Our entire athletics community is heartbroken, and Katie will be deeply missed.”

“You were always such a bright light in this world”

“Katie was extraordinarily committed to everything and everyone in her world”

“You’ll forever be one of the best to do it. I still can’t wrap my head around it and I don’t want to believe it”

“There are no words to express the emptiness that we feel at this moment”

“You are already so missed”

“Words can’t describe how much I’ll miss you”

“We can all help by checking in on friends and loved ones. Be caring to yourselves and one another”

Katie’s life was on a perfect trajectory in every way from the outside, almost like she were Miss USA 2019 Cheslie Kryst. Cheslie Kryst another one who on the outside was unbreakable and a can’t miss achiever, until she broke herself earlier this year suffering the same fate as Katie on January 30, 2022. So we are not off to a good start in the new year – what will it take to stop the stigma and wake up from our mental health nightmare?

Depression lies to you – tells you that the world, your friends and family will be better off without you. I hear this so often and its an unimaginable reality that many times is inescapable. A nightmare that either you wake up from, or a nightmare you pass on to all those friends and family. Katie’s parents said it clearly on The Today Show for all of us to hear and see their pain “The last couple days are like a parent’s worst nightmare and you don’t wake up from it” her mother Gina said. That is exactly right, all of Katie's circle of friends and family are engulfed in a wakeful nightmare that will go on for quite some time, if not forever.

The news broke the day after her death and many of the articles were very hesitant to speculate on the cause of death, rightfully so, but then as the cause of death was confirmed as suicide, I saw our suicide and mental health stigma loud and clear – many news outlets would not dare to mention the word suicide or that she took her own life, they danced around the issue as we so frequently do, calling her death ‘self-inflicted’ or not even mentioning beyond the fact that there was no sign of foul play.

This snippit from the Ventura County Star article published a few days after Katie’s death says exactly what we don’t want to acknowledge, what seems impossible to realize:

“The Star does not generally cover deaths by suicide. After reporting on Meyer’s death this week and weighing her prominence in women’s sports, the information was deemed newsworthy.”

Wow and sad shock is all I can say – isn’t it more than newsworthy that we report on a topic that touches all of us, we have countless others going through the same issues that led to Katie’s death and we should stop the stigma around mental health and depression, so we can save others? This shows just how far back we are in the race to help others and address mental health properly in our society. If we don’t change how we approach mental health issues we will continue to fail each other. Again and again. In Ventura county COVID-19 has garnered all of our attention it seems in the press, and with 0 to 3 deaths a day, an aggregate of 1,432 deaths since the pandemic started, this is by no means trivial and is for sure newsworthy. But in that same time, we have also seen the rate of suicides increase (as is the case throughout the country) and have a rate of around 12 per 100,00 people. On a yearly basis there are approximately 100 deaths by suicide in Ventura County. Many young or middle-aged, healthy on the outside people like you and i. So those 200 people that committed suicide in Ventura County are not newsworthy except when the victim is a local athlete. I don’t know what to make of this but we will figure it out before all is said and done.

Many times our efforts and emotion are misinformed or misguided. I believe this is another example: gun control – we see school shootings, which are horrific beyond words yes, and we see murders in the streets also beyond horrific. And we think – for those reasons we need gun control. I agree we need gun control, but I am finding out that there’s another way to look at the need for change. A noteworthy stat: 67% or 2/3 of the 895 deaths by gunshot wound in Ventura County from 2000 to 2015 were suicide. Population of 839k people in Ventura County. In the United States as a whole, 54% of gun deaths are suicide, 43% are murder and 3% are other (unintentional, involved law enforcement, etc.) pewresearch.org Feb 3, 2022 “What the data says about gun deaths in the U.S.”

45,222 people in the US died by suicide in 2020. 24,292 were suicides. The murderer and the victim were one in the same.

I never would have guessed that. But gun control is suicide control more than its controlling school shootings or gang-related violence. We don’t see it that way yet.

The day of Katie’s death, the news was everywhere, Twitter #katiemeyer was about 500 tweets an hour all week and into the weekend, but here we are on March 9th and already she has vanished from our conscience, no action other than sadness. Just as it were for so many other bright lights we have lost. I will watch the Anthony Bourdain documentary Roadrunner on CNN this weekend, for the 5th time, and wonder the same thing – how have we not used these deaths by suicide as a call to action? Why can’t we change? And just like the first 4 viewings, I will think of my brother Shane.

Roadrunner, just a documentary movie right, is so significant in my life, and so much more than a few hours of entertainment viewing. The fact that I am alive and talking about my life with an eye for the future, I owe part of that to just a movie. That movie takes me back to my late close friend Shane. He has helped me many years after his passing and I am so grateful for how he played a key role in everything coming together for me and driving my life forward, instead of joining my late friend Shane far too early. I am so thankful for his help, but regret that I wasn’t able to help Shane more in his life. I wasn’t there for him, I didn’t learn from him while he was alive. I let both of us down. Again. But I don’t’ want to say again any longer.

Shane was such a great friend to me like many others, but like me and many others the same, Shane also had his internal struggles and darkness. Which he couldn’t overcome unfortunately. I can see the moment we met in 2005 crystal clear to this day. Sugar Shane, because man he was sweet in so many ways, had a great strut to him like a Gumby Rodney Dangerfield as he approached, cigarette in mouth and beer in hand and he told me “I’m from Stoughton, we don’t fuck around there. I like people but I have problems. Do you know where I can get some weed?” It was another love at first sight moment for me. My natural response, “I got some weed sure, good to meet you brother.” We were like the Puerto Rican gringo version of the movie Twins.

Shane was 6’ 0’ 150 lbs soaking wet, rockin Fred Perry Euro French style mashed with the Beastie Boys, he loved art and music, books, a romantic – and he was a much more refined than you would think at first look kind of guy. He thought he was street tough too from his ‘hood in Mass. He was well read and idolized Hunter S. Thompson which made living in Puerto Rico some kind of fantasy for him. He had a great style and vibrancy. He loved to cook and he gravitated towards Anthony Bourdain more than the rest of the planet combined, man crush doesn’t even start to cut it. Whether it was his favorite book Kitchen Confidential, the attitude and demeanor Bourdain displayed on TV that Shane identified with, the parallel struggles and dark personality aspects they shared – even the way they physically looked similar, their mannerisms, it left an indelible mark on me. One I didn’t really recall or realize how significant until I was on that plane in January 2022 watching Roadrunner with an unusually clear head.

When I hear Anthony Bourdain and close my eyes I see Shane. When I see a picture of Shane I think Anthony Bourdain. Maybe I just see Anthony Shane Bourdain no matter which one I am looking at. And because of that, I paid attention to the movie far beyond entertainment value. That story is for another day though. Today the story is all about giving thanks to him and many others who have taught me something very valuable, even if I was very late to the class and absorbing the lessons. Shame, no more, change is coming oh yeah. That is the dream and the hope.

The Avett Brothers, the song is Shame from the album Emotionalism 2007: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ciJ2vKgpAE

My life is different now I swear I know now what it means to care About somebody other than myself

I know the things I said to you They were untender and untrue I'd like to see those things undo

So if you could find it in your heart To give a man a second start I promise things won't end the same

Shame, boatloads of shame Day after day, more of the same Blame (blame), please lift it off Please take it off, please make it stop

Another good one from the band Lake Street Dive, the song Got Me Fooled from their 2010 album Got Me Fooled: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kELt1iqHwfY

I hear you calling my name Every night, it's the same damn thing Is it just one thing you want from me? I'm getting tired of this game

Everyone says the same damn thing All your sweet talk sounding cheap When I don't get what I need My heart starts slowing it's beat

The thing is baby what I'm trying to stay is you ain't thinking this through If you really want me, then you got me fooled.

You know I hate to complain But everyone wants the same damn thing So when I give you a try, I get the same tired lines I got to ask myself why

And finally, another from Lake Street Dive, the song Shame, Shame, Shame from their album Free Yourself Up 2018: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUfMw-WGFGU

Little hands hold the gavel Another one's about to fall down Get upset and unravel Another one's about to fall down Shame, shame, shame Shame, shame, shame on you

Every place that you travel another one's about to fall down Little face in the gravel another one's about to fall down Pain, pain, pain Shame, shame, shame on you I bet you think you're a big man now But you don't know how to be a good man too

No I'm not getting caught in your little spider web Won't let an angry dog get me down Don't you think it's time we put this dog out of his misery?

Hold your breath under water Cause another one's about to fall down Lead the lamb to the slaughter Another one's about to fall down Shame, shame, shame Shame, shame, shame on you It's not a game, game, game Shame, shame, shame, shame on you I bet you think you're a big man now But I think you're a sick man now And you don't know how to be a good man too

No I'm not getting caught in your little spider web Won't let an angry dog get me down Don't you think it's time we put this dog out of his misery?

Change is coming, oh yeah Ain't no holding it back Ain't no running Change is coming, oh yeah